"Do you know what I mean when I say I don't wanna be alone? I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work."
- Lyrics from the gr8 song Work by Jars of Clay
I'm not scared of the future. Perhaps I'm just naive, but I'm not actually scared of failing my life. If I live and accomplish little for good, at least I've accomplished something. If I die tomorrow, I'm fine with that – God's will be done.
But I don't really want to fail – who does? I don't wanna live my life without standing out and making a difference. I don't wanna live a boring, uneventful life in the background of everything going on around me, and end up not making a difference in anyone's life.
I want to succeed. I want to stand up and stand out. When I die, I know I'll have many regrets – that's just the way I am, a perfectionist – but I want to know that some part of the world is better because I lived. I want to be active and do lots of work for God's kingdom during my life. That's the way I am.
Life is good – very good at times. But sometimes it does get hard. Instead of feeling peace and freedom, I sometimes feel bogged down with life's business. I hate letting my life get stagnant and boring – I think a very key aspect of freedom is change. On the other hand, I hate it when my life gets really busy and it feels like everything's getting out of control.
So I try to try to live life to the fullest – not by partying and getting wild with friends, but in my own introverted, quiet way. I read the Bible, I read the classics, I write (like I'm doing right now), and I soul search. I pick out what to stand for, and do my best to stand for that – whether it be Jesus, the Bible, open-mindedness, and truth, or just my favourite clothes brand (Quiksilver!) or hockey team (Oilers!). I search for beauty – in stories, in nature, in music, in people.
And I prepare for the future – prepare to face the enormous world out there. For now I'm just a homeschooled kid in a small farming town, but some day I'll be so much more than that, God willing. And I really don't know where I'm going with this...
I guess I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts. I'm the kinda guy who sorts out his thoughts by writing... and then posting them on my blog for the entire world to see! Hahahahaha! :) Oh well, at least I'm honest. Very honest. I'll be a lousy politician.
